a precious life
you’ve got the world’s greatest possession…
don’t spoil it with foolish confessions
A confession — this is my first week of shedding zero tears after 44 days. So many events happened this month that I need to keep a record, since this space serves as an archive of moments that I can look back fondly.
Experiences from May:
* The word desire comes from the latin desiderare - “to long for”. Breaking it down further it comes from de sidere - “from the stars”. A gift from cosmic nature for us earthly beings to bask in the vastness of self-luminous celestial bodies that mirror our wants with an intensity that it’s impossible to look away. I denied this word from my vocabulary for a long time since “desire is the root of all suffering”, so why subject myself to adding unwarranted pain during my limited time on earth? The first week of May I experienced what desire and yearning feel like, and it hurt like hell. Despite the pain and suffering, I felt my heart grow bigger and more sympathetic. I am in awe of my capacity to love over and over again. There are not enough words of gratitude for my friends who supported me with their love when I felt weak and hopeless. It’s because of them that I still believe in love’s divine power.
* I was assaulted in a park nearby where I live. This is the second time in two years. Fortunately there was no physical damage, but I hate feeling like a target because of my size and race. I naively thought a quiet neighborhood = safe but this is still New York — you always have to be vigilant for yourself.
*Saw Japanese Breakfast with Ginger Root opening at Paramount Theatre and Ichiko Aoba at Kings Theatre. GR had a fun analog setup with VHS and live recording that felt warm and playful, a refreshing take on nostalgia in a current landscape that is crispy 4K. I didn’t enjoy JB’s For Melancholy Brunettes (& sad women) but hearing Kokomo, IN live felt healing. IA was a sublime experience with the quartet. Copped orchestra seating so homies and I got to savor a beautiful colorful light show. It felt like IA was shining her aura on us. Another healing experience.
May 14 2025
(A rainy moody atmosphere)
*That night I finally wept. Crying and weeping are different emotional expressions; crying is more controlled, allowing tears to roll down the cheeks and be wiped away after a minute. Weeping is uninhibited. It only took 34 days but I needed to hear what my heart was letting go of.
*Navigated a hiking trail by myself. Was a bit nervous about getting lost but that ended up being part of the fun. Looking for markers and resting whenever I wanted felt so blissful. I want to gain more confidence so I can camp solo under the stars.
*Developed film. Even though I started off as a photography major, my skills are completely garbage now. Would like to get to know my eye again.
Corpse Flower at Brooklyn Botanical Garden
January 25 2025
(Disappointedly not smelly)
Last week of cherry blossoms at Brooklyn Botanical Garden
May 3 2025
(I recommend viewing cherry blossoms on a windy day for additional cinematic effect)
*Met J’s Baby A. First daddy in my friend group. J and I have known each other since high school and I had no idea love just deepens witnessing a new type of smile on your friend’s face as he holds his child. Awkwardly holding Baby A, I melted as she rested her head on my heart and her tiny fists grabbed strands of hair. A total out-of-body experience incomparable to drugs. Love at first sight is real.
May was so full of life and for the first time ever, I feel grateful to be here. Humans are the only species that shed emotional tears and a new desire is born inside to feel more. Learn more. Experience more. Want more. A precious life that I can be proud of. When I was young, I dreamed of being famous so I could be loved by many people. As I grew older, I understood that level of attention means accepting toxic people who love you for reasons that don’t align with what you believe in. Then I dreamed of having of meeting the LOML, building a beautiful little life with a forever partner in crime with a trio of children that will change the world. But dreams can change. Why pick a singular life to live?