desperation calls for inspiration

Since May was for feeling acceptance, then June was for feeling anxiety. Looking at my camera roll, I had forgotten how nice the first weeks of June were before I got sick. What will July will bring?

tip for running in marsh land: keep running to minimize bugs hitting your face

bird friends motivating my cardio health

amazing snails from Ha’s Snack Bar

Experiences in June:

* The first two weeks showed good progress in health and a positive start to the summer. I was on a consistent running schedule since work was stressful, so running felt like an activity that I could physically run away from my problems. Celebrated my first summer Friday of the season by going to Ha’s Snack Bar with friends and drinking way too much.

*Rashid Johnson: A Poem For Deep Thinkers at Guggenheim. The last time I saw his works was in Chicago at the Art Institute, so it was awe-inspiring to see all his works from the past 30 years in his solo exhibition. Was particularly struck by his video piece called Sanguine — a video showing the artist, his son, and his father engaging in every day activities. It felt deeply personal in the way the frames were closely cropped and how each action i.e. tenderly collecting flowers.

*Then I got sick… for basically two weeks and it still feels like I’m recovering. Compromised immune system = out of commission from participating in fun activities. The first two days I had written it off as food poisoning since I was clammy, cold and sweaty, and running to the toilet every 30 minutes. Usually with food poisoning it clears up by the third day but it continued for over a week… I lost 3 pounds. E convinced me to go see a doctor since my alarmist mind was thinking I had colon cancer (even though there was no bloody stool).

nurse asked me if i was nervous about the blood draw since my BP was so high — immediately said yes and she gave me a warm apple juice box to calm me down afterwards. bless kind nurses, they need to get paid more.

*After a prescription for antibiotics, I was cured in less than 24 hours. Medicine really works and I need to convince myself to trust science instead of waiting for my body to heal itself (because it didn’t work this time).

*Zohran Mamdani is our elected Democrat for the mayoral race!!! Looking at the data was fun but also nerve-inducing. Cuomo was consistently ranked #1 since the early rounds and Mamdani who started off at 1% in October, managed to close and exceed the gap by 56% in June. Politics has turned me into a cynic since 2016 but watching this race closely has stirred hope again. Desperate citizens wanting more from the state we call home invoked an inspiring campaign. This is just the beginning and I am looking forward to canvassing in the fall. “Afford to live, afford to dream”

*Haven’t been to therapy since battling with my physically weak body. Stepping away from weekly sessions has given me more time to read and journal, which feels way more productive than talking about ugly experiences with no resolution. With reading, I can gain the power of words to describe emotions. With journaling, I can gain perspective on my past selves that serve as reminders that I am merely a human navigating my path. I re-read May’s post and feel good about the progress I’ve made looking forward to life.

*Watched a lot of movies… trying to make a goal of visiting 2 movie theaters a month. Heavily used #bam on Letterboxd made me realize I don’t take the opportunity to support other theaters and their unique programming.

*Back-to-back cat sitting gigs. First was Mello, an eight-month-old kitty. Now it’s Penny, a three-year-old cat. I’m grateful to have these opportunities to test run being a cat mom and the consensus is I’m still on the fence. Mello was cute and chatty, but had so much energy… He scratched up the bottom of my sofa and made himself a little hammock inside. Cat litter in every corner of my apartment. The mess made me feel chaotic. Penny is an adult and is unbothered by my presence. By hanging out with these animals I am understanding body language as communication. The only pro was having a warm body pressed up against mine which made me feel loved. The con is making sure these animals stay untraumatized under my care.

Summer days blur in oppressive humidity and soon enough it will be over. I’ve been craving s’mores made over a fire with friends and enjoying crisp evenings. July holds many birthday celebrations and I can’t wait to celebrate life with loved ones. Now to get back to regular programming with physical health… Wish me luck.